Why So Serious?

“When anything is blocking my head or there’s worry in my life, I just go sit on mars or something and look back here at Earth. All you can see is this tiny speck. You don’t see the fear. You don’t see the pain, you don’t see thought. It just one solid peck. Then nothing really matters. It just doesn't”..

- Heath Ledger

Why so serious? I’m asking you Heath, why were you so serious? What made you to think to take all those prescription drugs together? Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Alprazolam, Temazepam, Diazepam and Doxylamine. Didn’t you know that all those sedatives and analgesics could take your life? Did you take it purposefully, Heath? Did they tranquilize you? Doctors explained that, you died as the result of acute intoxication by an accidental mixture of prescription drugs. But I’m asking you Heath, Oh my favorite actor, ‘Was it accidentally’? I know how much u struggled to portrait the joker, in your words "psychopathic, mass murdering, schizophrenic clown with zero empathy."  To prepare for the Joker, you lived in a hotel room, embracing solitude for a month. You said the quote which I mentioned above. If you could remember those words, you would be still alive Heath. You gave your soul to those pills. Heath, do you know, I also want to die just like you. If I die, it would be intentional. I will choose the same way you did. Combined Drug Intoxication. I have both ways. But who am I? I’m just a paranoid parasite who lives in paradox. No one cares if I live or die. But who were you Heath? You were so special, weren't you? You were so gifted, talented. Heath, there were Cannabis, Mushrooms, LSD. A simple Passion flower could help you to calm your mind. But you chose all those pharmacological drugs. And they took your Life. Drugs can heal and drugs can kill. Death is a senseless clown. Not like the one you portrayed for The Dark Knight. Death could have spare you. We don’t know each other. Obviously not. But now I want to believe that we are psychologically same. I’m not doing a comparison. But this is my notion. As you said in The Dark Knight, it is a funny world we live in. I also don’t want to live in a funny world Heath. You can expect me soon. Let me finish some little works. We will be together then. I promise Heath. I promise.

Creating a New Self

“To get really high is to forget yourself. And to forget yourself is to
see everything else. And to see everything else is to become an understanding
molecule in evolution, a conscious tool of the universe”.
-Jerry Garcia

I don’t know what He meant by getting High. But I believe what he said was absolutely true. We can attain High by doing meditation or medication. I have tried both. But I prefer the second one, that’s Medication. To do meditation, we need a master. But when we go for medication, we become our own master. I laugh, I cry when I’m high. Then I start to forget myself, as Jerry Garcia said. I forget and forgive myself. The moment I left my body, I could touch the heart of universe. They are called Entheogens; means “generating the divine within”. Aldous Huxley once said that; “May be this world is another planet’s Hell”. Why should I live in Hell when I can choose pleasure? I don’t care if it is legal or not. Why should I care?  I have the key. All I have to do is find the door. I was possessed with a thought that death is the only escape from this reality. But I was wrong. Death is not an escape. It is a phase; we all have to pass through. And no one can escape from death. So instead of embracing death, I decided to go for Medication. And I am here. Everyone is selfish. No one cares. This contagious idea was my inspiration to go green. I had fallen in a coma stage. I wanted to wake up. I wanted to rise. So I choose recreational stuffs. Now I can kiss a dragon. I can speak to fairies. I can understand every molecule in evolution. I don’t know if I am thinking the right thing. But I know there is no wrong in it. But drugs are expensive and death is free. Anyone can die, but not everyone can become a user.

Lullabies

I was in a room with a bunch of Mushrooms. Those Mushrooms were very special. They were Magical. They could show me a world of my own. They could put all of my thoughts in a padded cell. They could free my mind from this reality. I love everything which can alter my mind, which can free my Self from Myself. I was famished. So I started eating the Mushrooms. Eating, eating and eating. I recently read a real life story in RD, of a girl who was suffering with Bulimia Nervosa. She was addicted to food. She couldn't bear it. She threw herself into the hand of dead. While chewing Mushrooms, I was wondering if I had the disease. I was eating too much. Oh! Countless Mushrooms and Infinite Eating. Time was traveling in the speed of Light. I couldn't count how many Mushrooms I had. I was aware, and standing still in the shore of Consciousness. I used to wait for the trip after smoking weed. I could feel the strange sensation in my brain. But this time, I was normal. No Shrooming. But I didn’t doubt my Mushrooms. I know they won’t deceive me. But what happened? Where were the Angels’ Lullabies? Where were the Sufi saints and Buddhist Monks? My Psychedelic Butterflies? Why didn't the Mushrooms let me travel to a world, which exists outside my mind? Was it a dream? Unusual things can happen in a dream. And this was unusual. Eating Psilocybin Mushrooms and not getting Shroomed. Doubts were circling around me like vultures. Now pappa gave me an apple. I’m eating it while typing. Time is 10:09 pm. Back to normal. It’s time to call Insomnia fairy. My friend is waiting for me to call. Yes! It is You.. J . Now you can stop smiling. Keep on talking. I’m listening. J  

Valley of the Dead

Valley of the Dead. The most beautiful day dream i have ever seen in my life.

Infinite headstones made up by white marbles, red and white petals of rose flower on them, sorrowful epitaphs, dried leaves. I love dark fantasies, dreams with a mysterious dark flavor. But this time, it was not dark. But not bright too. There were no sun in the sky, but there were light. It was raining, but i didn't see the clouds. I was there, searching for something. But I didn't know what i was searching. Strange! Isn't it? To search something, we need to know what we are searching for. To do that we must have a mind. But i didn't have a mind. No mind, no thoughts. I was simply wandering in the valley. I didn't even know who was I. 

That was it. An unfinished dream. They way of my subconscious mind of protesting god. Or a silent question asking him for why the hell did you create me. God knows well that I hate my life. I asked him a thousand times to take my life. But He doesn't know that I can do it by myself. 2 D's. 'Drugs or Death'. I have to choose one of these. Lose totally myself to drugs or to take the hand of eternity. I prefer both. Because both ways can help me to transform to to something which i am not. Addicted to drugs and float in a world which is never exist. Or to die. That would be more practical. It takes courage to live and determination to die. I don't have courage, but i have determination. All i need is a spark. And i'm hopefully waiting for that.. 

unfinished memories

I met a girl on a lonely road, while i was searching for myself.
She was beautiful, but her eyes were hiding something.
The clouds were getting darker; Leaves were leaving from the trees.
I thought to ignore the girl I met, but her eyes were too powerful to hold me.
I was hypnotized totally. The girl was utter silent.
I wanted to talk but my words walked away without knowing i was hooked there.
I wished if she break the silence, but she didn't.
An unknown fear started growing inside me.
Who was she? A human? A fairy? Or an ethereal being?
I'm sure that it wasn't a hallmark of schizophrenia.
I was drowning in the ocean of darkness and fear.
But somehow i got courage from nowhere to speak.
Her eyes were conveying her tragic tale, but i want to end the silence.
I asked her who she is. I didn't know her tear glands was going to burst,
Answer took the form of water and started flowing from her eyes.
I was affected by paranoid delusion, I was delirious.
I thought her tears are going to hurt me without any provocation.
But it was simply flowing towards her feet through her cheeks.
I said no to entheogens before the journey, so i was perfectly normal.
My mind wasn't prepared to face the lamentation of a girl.
I slowly walked towards her; I wanted her to stop crying.
                                                                          (Unfinished memories)

Anonymous

I had a dream. I was talking with one part of myself about life. Talks become arguments. Arguments became fights. I was fighting with myself. I was afraid. Because, both are myself. I can't bear if anyone lose. I didn't want to be a loser in my dream. I was watching the fights. Suddenly one of my part took a knife and stabbed the another part of myself. Owh. That was awful. Literally stabbed. I could sense the pain. Blood oozed from the body. owh no, it was not blood. A dark color liquid. I was wondering why the color is dark instead of red. But questions had no place in the dream. Only happenings were there. I was losing one of my part. I was dying inside.I couldn't help myself. I stared at my another part who stabbed. He was perplexed. He didn't want to do it intentionally. But it happened. I didn't know what to do. When we dream, we feel it is real. So i wished that if it was a dream even though i'm dreaming. The blood like fluid scattered all over the walls, making a graffiti.. The walls were white, but the blood made it dark. And the blood drops on the walls were screaming loudly. It was not simply an auditory hallucination. i heard it. i don't know i heard it through my ears or not. But i heard it. A thick dark cloud were covering myself. I thought it was one of the psychological side effect of the pill i had taken before the sleep. But it was not. Alprax didn't have that much power over me. It was some other thing. A strange happening. I double checked myself if i'm stoned. But i was not stoned. I was running out of weed. I was perfectly aware. I could count the breaths. I was the only witness. Suddenly the part of myself who did the crime gazed at me in a mysterious way. I saw the black thick fluid flowing through the knife. The victim was struggling for life on the floor. I was afraid. Because the murderer is looking at me. And i saw he walks towards me with the knife. I could listen to the foot steps. And the projection came near me. Raised the knife. I wished to run. But i couldn't.. I was frozen. Owhh my god.. He raised his hand... Suddenly I woke up.. Shattering all my dreams... 

In the beginning God created Chaos

Hi..

I'm not a writer.. I just don't know how to write or what to write.. I scribble what comes to my mind.. I don't know how to describe myself. Because i don't know myself. I'm in a journey to find myself. I know there is a destination. But to me,  the journey is important. If i achieve the destination, i will wander in chaos. Because i don't know what to do. All i can do is keep on travelling. I can't fathom the meaning of life. I believe it is a paradox. Paradox in all means. I always wonder if my life is a dream. I always ask myself the question, "Am I dreaming?"
Or is this a virtual reality? A man on drugs can alter his reality. I don't want to alter the reality. But i want find out what reality mean. My problem is not that i don't have any dreams. But it is that I have too much dreams..And all my dreams are collapsing.. Okay.. This is just an introduction.. I will catch you soon guys.. :)